> ----- Original Message -----
From: Terri Lynch
To: Multiple recipients of list ADHESIONS
Sent: Friday, February 02, 2001 1:38 PM
Subject: no subject received Fri, 2 Feb 2001 13:36:34 -0600
Hi everyone, I have sit here reading all the messages and I think all of us have felt like enough is enough and I can't take it anymore. I know that I would be the first one to admit it....I am a very compassionate person when it comes to others and I feel each and everyone's pain. I sit, lay, do anything to get comfortable. But then it seems that nothing works. I understand the sleepless nights the long waking hours and yet no relief. I guess I feel like Drs. degrade us make us feel less somehow and we except what they say as face value. Well for one I have stopped believing Drs. know all. Because if they did they would do more than what they do to help us. I guess I am angry today. I heard from social security this week and was denied. Just another thing to disappoint me and my family. I was refused because I have the capability to think and handle my affairs..what affairs..I haven't wrote a check in months except to the Drs. offices. I can't go shopping, I can't sit at my boys games and cheer them on, I can't make love to my husband, I can't drive my car(especially since I had them two minor fender benders a few months ago and Dewitt took away my keys) But yet I am able to earn a living. So after feeling like a failure on all them things I have really gotten to the point where it seems this is life and I have to live it....what fun.....I sit and think man, I sure must have done something bad in a past life to get all this on me...I mean all I wanted was a little money to help my husband. I sit here watching him work himself into a early grave. He doesn't take a day off. If he is at home he paces the floors worrying about how are we going to pay this or pay that..And then the stress that we went through a couple of weeks ago...I know what you mean when you say I am tired...I AM TIRED! I did something I shouldn't have a few days ago and really haven't told many about it. I feel ashamed of what I did. I was upset and tired of feeling like the troubles with everything was my fault and I was a failure. I sat down and wrote a letter to the ones I loved and basically said I was sorry but I was tired. Then I picked up some of my meds and took them. Thank God that I didn't take enough....I did black out and I broke my nose....I know now that that was wrong that I was better then that and I deserved better in life and my family deserved better then me cowering out on them...I would never do that again..but I know it was God that let me live...Please when anyone gets TIRED talk to someone and really reflect on how that giving up would be on your family...Please don't think I am a bad person for wanting to give up....I was TIRED...I lost track of the big picture...If I wouldn't have this disease my life would be great...but, because of it I have made friends that I will cherish for a life time. I have learned that when I am down they are there to lift me up......
So to all if you ever feel like that talk.....we are not alone and that is a wonderful thing..we have others to take a little of the load and may have answers for you to help....
Love and hugs to all Terri