Wow, you've had a brutal time lately...I am soooo very sad and sorry, and hope today is a tiny little bit better for you, at least.
My brother and I were both adopted. I'm 37, and he is 47 yrs. old. My parents went through the mill trying to get us. Before my brother arrived, there were several times that a baby was promised, then actually on the way...my parents paid expenses related to the pregnancy(ies), got the baby's room all fixed up and ready, only to have their dreams yanked at the last moment. Broke their hearts, every time. Through bizarre turns of events, though, after my parents had all but given up hope, my brother and then years later I popped up for them.
If it is His will for you to be a mother, it will happen. I hope it is His will, because you would be a fantastic mommy. You have so much love to share.
<<I've asked God for forgiveness for allowing His gift to me, to someone else. Have I held my ground then, I would be writing about my son - but nooooooooooo, I let my husband take care of it. DARN....I'm still praying to God for forgiveness............>>
I can't see that there is anything for Him to forgive, even though I don't understand the whole picture...if that baby had been meant for you, truly, you would have it now. Things always end up the way G-d intends for them to, even though we don't always understand (or like) the why's etc.
The hardest thing for me, personally, when I pray for something, is trying to understand why it doesn't happen. And so many of my prayers in life have been answered, so I am really lucky...but it's hard not to dwell on those things I really want, that haven't happened. Then I feel guilty for not dwelling on my blessings. *Sigh*
I can see how that would torture you, thinking about a baby that "could have been" yours...please don't beat yourself up over this anymore. No good can come of it. :( Maybe the one you are meant to have is still out there, or hasn't been born yet. Maybe you are meant to explore other options: fostering, or taking on a slightly older child, or special needs baby, or one from another country.
There is a saying, "Let go...Let G-d." That is sooooo hard to do, really, to completely let go of something!!! My psychologist has a G-d box...you write your problem down on a piece of paper, and put it in the G-d box. The symbolic act of writing it down and "giving" it to G-d seems to help me, for some reason. And, oddly enough, the things I've placed in the box...have happened. Not when *I* was ready for them to, but when He was ready for them to....
I am sure in my heart that He will guide you to a place where you can bestow all this love inside of you where it will count the most. Meanwhile, know that we care and are here for you always.
Sending lots of hugs and love your way --
Love,
Lynda M. in AZ
"If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself but to your own estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment." -Marcus Aurelius