Your feelings are so understood. It's hard to not
have that constant feeling of despair when you feel
you are affecting everyone else around you. And you
must have had a birthday. You are now exactly my
age...I think that is what makes it more difficult.
It's hard to not say...I'm only 32...how can this be
happening to me? No matter what anyone tells
you...and all the positiveness people can
provide...it's like a mental battle inside...adding to
the anguish. I constantly ate myself up with..."work
thinks I'm a flake...I'm sick all the time"...my
family doesn't hang out with me cause I'm sick all the
time"..."How can I be the women to my husband that I
had envisioned I would be". The only thing I think we
can do is to let go of our visions of what we thought
our life would be like, who we thought we'd be as
people...almost as if to except our fate. I can't
tell you that even after my adhesion removal...I am a
better person because of it...I can say I am a changed
person. One who has more compassion and understanding
for pain. It's not thinking what you're
thinking...it's how you deal with what you're
thinking. You must encourage yourself. To remind
yourself that you are a good person. It's not you
yourself who's a bad person. It's you trying to cope
with life changes, fears, pain, and sadness. I thnk
most of us have had to sit down at one point and
remind ourselves that it is not our objective to let
everyone around us become a victim of our pain and
suffering...but, I believe most have, at one point or
another have done so...just remember...it's not as if
you do this on purpose. Some of the people here are
veterans...they've already gone through all these
stages of severe depression (and some I'm sure still
battle). I know I do....but, no matter what anyone
makes you feel like(family, friends, etc.)...know that
you do the best that you can do...for you. Be proud
of the fact that you are aware...not all wacked out to
the point that you can't even tell you're angry. The
first step to healing is awareness. And I see that in
you. (or hear through e-mail...ha ha). I pray that
your exam comes out clean for any forms of cancer. It
is often more of a way to rule something out, rather
than to give you the thoughts that you have it...if
you know what I mean. Take it one test at a time, one
step at a time, one thought at a time. You are always
beautiful....awesome...wonderful....extraordinary in
the eyes of God. I'll pray for you. Marianne
--- Dawn Craft <cheechiebomb@aol.com> wrote:
> Hey > I seem to be losing about 15lbs. a week. I do try > to eat I have to go > in on July 23 to run some more tests.Dr. Wilson is > scared to take me in > for surgery he doesn't think I can go through > anymore right now.He said > on the 23rd they will be looking to make sure there > is not any cancer in > my intestines stomach or anywhere else he said my > blood count was off. I > just try to make it from day to day.The pain has > been intense and almost > unbearable for about 3 weeks.He says after we get > through with all the > tests he is going to send me to the pain clinic. I > have been waiting > for 3 mths. to go to a pain clinic. I am just > tired and sick of being > treated like I am crazy.Sick of the pain sick of not > eating anything I > cry everytime I eat.I am 32 yrs old I should still > be happy healthy and > playing with my kids.But know they have to take care > of Mom all the time > I feel like I am ruining everyones lives. Maybe > someday I can be who I > use to be. > Dawn > > -- > Hi my name is Dawn I have adhesions from my > hystorectomy in 1994 I have had 12 operations and I > am 31 yrs. old.I have been searching for anyone else > who goes through what I do.Only 2 of the operations > have been for the adhesions my wonderful doctor has > told me the last one was all he could do that my can > not go through anymore.I have to beautiful daughters > 10 and 12. There is no more playing with them or > acting silly with them like I use too.I hurt alot I > am losing weight left and right. I read some of the > messages on this board I hope its okay to write and > talk to someone here Iam so frustrated just cleaning > my house and taking care of my family has become > very hard for me.My oldest daughter is about to turn > 13 and my tolerance for her atitude is very short. I > love her so much and it is very hard to control my > temper when I hurt so bad.I go outside alot now to > collect myself when she gets on one of her kicks of > why not why not.I have always beeen able to control > my temper bu! > t it is getting harder everyday. Like I said I read > alot of these letters and just needed someone to > talk to.Your letters help me know I am not crazy and > others have the same pain and frustration I do. > > http://www.adhesions.org/forums/listcmds.htm