Thank you so much for your advice, I will try to distance myself from now on. I will give my parents the necessary information,in regards to my illness, and after I will leave it up to them how they will deal with it. I will get beyond the hurt and pain. After all, I've got my husband's support, and his support counts the most to me. I, after all, don't have to live with my parents anymore! Thank you so much for sharing with me, I appreciate it more than I can let you know.
No, I never got your first posting, but I got this one!!! I went to the quilt, after getting your message, and read through your story, I cried nearly all the way through it. Oh Karla, I'm so sorry about what has happened to you, but I admire you greatly for your attitude.
I too am not afraid to join my Lord up in heaven. I very nearly did a couple of times in the past couple of years, once when I had gotten peritonitis, nearly a couple of times on the operating table, and the freaky-est time was 18 months ago. I'd just had another operation a few days before 'it' happened (I'd herniated thru my stoma - and they had to make me a new one), I was on a pain pump - and because they had prior to that had me on such high doses of pain medication - I was on a ridiculous amount of pain medication. But apparently what happened was that my blood pressure suddenly dropped, and then I stopped breathing, after which I can only say that I had a 'near death experience'. After that I was no longer afraid.
For quite a while John, my husband had to do all the fighting for me, as, ashamed as I am of it now, I gave up for quite some time after my doctors told me that I wasn't going to get better and that there was no cure. I was totally devastated. But after my 2nd miscarriage in June of this year, I made the decision to stop being depressed, and to start focusing on positive thinking. I abruptly came to the conclusion that the only person who who help me was me. And I also came to the conclusion that just because there is no cure for my illness, that that did not preclude me from attempting to improve my quality of life.
I had shut myself off from the world, I stayed only in the house, didn't even venture out into the garden, using the excuse that just because I was getting very frequent accidents with my bag all too frequently. I always thought in terms of "I can't" when I hadn't really tried. And after I had my ileostomy reversed I slowly learned that I was entitled to some fun.
I'm still afraid, especially of venturing out into the big wide world. I only really feel secure if John is with me, but I've been starting to get the courage up to go into a supermarket by myself, and although progress is slow, I am determined to start living instead of barely surviving.
I used to feel quilt about the fact that there are so many things I can not do when I am in such terrible pain (which seems like 99% of the time), like the housekeeping, but John understands, and helps me do the vacuuming. I have started to do some of the household chores when my pain is a bit better. I'm learning about pacing myself, something which does not come naturally! I'm not the most patient of people!
I'm no longer sleeping during the day, but try to keep myself occupied, to distract myself from the pain, I'm finding it helps. I'm not sleeping too well at the moment, but I am hoping that it will come soon - I'm tired enough for it! I'm making a concentrated effort on learning breathing / relaxation exercises and I take nice gentle stroll thru my garden (with my dog) several times a day. I'm also keeping to a very strict diet of low fibre, no tea or coffee, no dairy products and no sugar.
And you know? I'm feeling happier than I have in a long time. I'm very grateful and thankful for a lot of things. I've got the fight back in me, and it's making all the difference.
And finding you guys, well I think that God was leading me to you, I feel like an enormous burden has been lifted from my shoulders!
Well, that's it from me, I'm getting a lot of crampy pain low in my abdomen, and I think maybe I should go visit the little-est room in my house.
God bless you,
Lin Vermey