Tears in the Cookies: How to Celebrate While Grieving

From: Helen Dynda (olddad66@runestone.net)
Wed Dec 19 22:13:06 2001


There doesn't have to be a death in the family for a person to be grieving! Anyone, who suffers from long-standing unresolved chronic pain, experiences grieving. We grieve for the person we once were!!

Perhaps this article will help you to put everything in perspective so that your resolve will be to try to enjoy the holidays in spite of your pain.

~ ~ ~ ~

[] Tears in the Cookies: How to Celebrate While Grieving

http://my.webmd.com/content/article/3727.207

Christmas is a big deal in Maria Latasa-Glass's family, with sometimes as many as 50 people gathering for dinner. Latasa-Glass always felt the warmest of feelings for the holiday.

But last year was different. Her mother had died six months before, and it hurt Latasa-Glass to think of celebrating without her.

"My mother embraced Christmas like she would a long-lost friend," says the 34-year-old housewife in Campbell Hall, N.Y. "She did everything with all her heart, from baking to shopping to decorating the house. As the holidays approached, I started to get depressed. I wasn't going to bake. I wasn't going to do anything."

But the first holiday after the death of a loved one doesn't have to be relentlessly grim. As Latasa-Glass discovered, if you allow yourself to mourn, you can also allow yourself some comfort, love, and even cheer.

The Pain of the Empty Chair

Holidays accentuate the loss of a loved one, says Danielle Crafton, PhD, a licensed clinical social worker. "Holidays are a time when you're supposed to be happy. People feel pressured, either internally or by friends, to feel differently than they feel. But the pain of bereavement is normal and necessary."

Depression is not unusual. You can experience loss of motivation, energy, or appetite. It can be hard to face that plate of turkey and fixings.

"My father died in June," says Beth Zimmers, a 35-year-old math tutor in San Francisco. "I dealt with the worst of it and began to move on. Now the holidays will reintroduce a whole new time of grief. But it's healthy to check in with your grief."

It's also healthy to celebrate when the mood strikes you. "Holidays can also be complicated by guilt," says marriage and family counselor Peter Schumacher. "People feel they don't deserve to have fun, out of loyalty to the deceased. We don't have to stop being human during the holidays. There's room for both sadness and celebration."

That doesn't mean you should drown your grief with a cup of holiday cheer, Feldman points out. Alcohol is a depressant, so it's not likely to make you feel better. Instead, seek comfort in company, she advises. "People think they shouldn't be around other people, because they don't want to bring everyone down, but being around other people is exactly what they need."

Family Issues

Schumacher suggests you "connect with other people who share the same experience, like your family."

But remember that others in the family may be coping with their grief differently. "Sometimes death provokes the dysfunctional side of a family, or highlights the differences," observes Crafton. "When we're in crisis, we'd like everybody to respond the way we do. It's important not to require every family member to feel or behave the same way."

Preparation can help. "If everyone shows up for the holiday wondering what everyone else will be doing or thinking or feeling, that by itself sets a difficult tone," says Schumacher. Instead, he suggests contacting family members in advance, asking how they feel, and discussing whether to hold a special ceremony to acknowledge the grief. Or you can look into support groups, which are especially helpful if your family doesn't want to face the loss.

For Latasa-Glass, the turning point came when she focused on her own children. "I thought, 'I want my mother's spirit to go on, to teach my children what she was about.' So we did everything. I baked like crazy. I can't say a couple tears didn't go in those cookies, but it was therapeutic. It helped keep her alive."

By Stephanie Gold - WebMD Medical News


Enter keywords:
Returns per screen: Require all keywords: