(((HUGS)))
-- KatherineAt Mon, 7 Jul 2003, Karla wrote: > >As you know, I haven't been on the board lately because of my condition >and constant hospitalizations. I have recently spent 3 weeks out of the >month of June in the hospital and have spent the last couple of days >trying to read through postings that I have missed. Do you want to know >what I have gotten out of all of it? Anger! > >I must first say that this is not meant to be directed towards anyone. >It is just my pain and frustrations reaching out. I apologize to anyone >that this offends. But I have to get this out.... > >Why am I angry? Because, first of all there seems to be so little >compassion left on this board and secondly, because it makes me sooooo >angry right now to hear people going for more surgery, the arguments >about the doctors in Germany...and to be perfectly honest, the >complaining about the problems that adhesions cause. (Please know that >I am not saying that you shouldn't do this.....you need to, but I just >have reached a point where I can't deal with it) My thoughts are "do >something about it"! Educate yourself, make wise choices, but do >something about it or keep quiet. And I don't mean that..but I feel it >right now. > >I am in a very hopeless state right now. I don't want to hear about >everyone's aches and pains, because right now I wish that was all I had >to complain about. Yes, I am very depressed. There are NO answers for >me. Once more my doctors are reaching out to send me to UCLA, but they >pretty much know that it is just a shot in the dark. Something to try >and give me hope. They also know that the end is not far. They are now >seriously talking about kidney removal...as a measure to extend my life >a little bit. But, they really don't know why I am having the serious >problems that I am. I have been to Mayo, University of Wisconsin, Lahey >Clinic in Boston, Johns Hopkins and the University of Chicago. None of >them had answers. All of them say I am dying. While I haven't gone out >to UCLA, I feel that they are just searching for answers because they >can't accept their being unable to do anything. I don't know that I >want to go! In fact, I know that I don't, but for my family, I will. > >I have been overweight since I gave birth to my daughter in >1978....morbidly obese for the past ten years or so. But, since January >I have lost close to 100 pounds doing nothing. I feel like I am wasting >away and my doctors are also concerned. I still have about 30 pounds to >go before I would be at average weight, but having lost 20 pounds during >the last two weeks, I could reach that point in a month or so. Each day >it is a fight to get out of bed, go to the hospital for treatments only >to return home to bed again. I do get out, but I don't have energy for >anything anymore. This past weekend of course was the fourth of July. A >group that I used to belong to needed some help at the community >celebration and I thought that having done it for years I could just >fill in for a hour or two. After about ten minutes I realized that I >couldn't. Couldn't do things that a few years ago were my life! That >makes me ANGRY! I cried! > >This whole week has been nothing but crying. I feel time slipping. I >am still mourning the loss of my grandson two years ago, but now the >grief goes to losing my daughter, two granddaughters and grandson who >truly are my life. I enjoy each minute that I spend with them and I >can't imagine leaving them. > >Then I come here and read about people with pain and I want to reach out >and help them. To welcome them, give them advise and pray that they >make the right decisions. But I get angry, because its just pain. I >wish that my life was just pain. When I think about the years when I >complained about pain I yearn for them back. > >So, when I talk about my anger please know that I am not saying that you >shouldn't come here and complain! Please do! It is your sounding board. >Listen to each other and have compassion for one another, but most >importantly educate each other. We all have busy lives, but please >don't stop listening to those who suffer with you. Please don't say you >don't have time for this group anymore, because you just might miss that >one person who really needs to hear what you have to say. Please don't >not participate because you don't like what has been said or how it is >being said. Dig deep and become a bigger and better person and stay and >help those who come to this group every day searching for answers. >Remember that day when you went searching? You either couldn't find >anything because it didn't exist at the time, or you lacked the >knowledge that those do who join us each day. If you help one person in >this group, it is all worth it. If you can help more, God Bless You! > >Ok, I have had my pity party. Please hear what I am saying! > >God Bless > >-- >Karla >