Every year since I had to leave a profession I loved because of this chronic pain, I have spent the holidays in a deep, dark hole of depression. Social Security and my husband's salary does not allow for gift giving. There is no joy in dealing with this pain every day. I feel as though I have let my husband down by not being a good wife or even a good friend to him because the pain is so bad all of the time. For awhile, it looked like things were looking up--my pain physician had prescribed fentanyl patches with actiq lozenges for breakthrough pain and I thought I was going to be able to go back to work after the first of the year. Then, the insurance company refused to pay for the actiq, nothing else works on the breakthrough pain. I am in constant pain and today I counted pills and REALLY considered suicide--I understand, Rachel, I really understand.
The depression hurts as much as the physical pain and NOTHING we can take will fix that. I am here if you want to email me, we should always be here for each other. I have scary days when I don't know if I'll make it. This hurts, I don't know if I can stand much more. The doctors don't know what to do. Please know, I'm here for you, if it becomes too much--reach out, the depression eases when you can talk to someone else in the same boat. Feeling too alone for too long just feeds it. I'm here, I promise.
At Thu, 29 Dec 2005, Rachel wrote:
>
>I am now in pain again & it is soooo depressing. I know this is normal
>for me, but every time the pain starts getting worse I get into a
>depression. I hate dealing with this alone. I also hate hearing how
>everyone else has it worse off than me & why should I be depressed. I
>love that answer the best. Those people who don't understand why I am
>getting depressed about it, people who have no idea what pain is, keep
>telling me how lucky I am that my son is healthy & that I have a job &
>that I am alive & that I am luckier than most because I have nothing
>life threatening. Well, first, there is no longer any way to know if
>this is life threatening or not. Every surgery is taking a chance with
>my life.