From: niko (
Mon Mar 12 13:08:39 2001

Hi everyone:-)

I am hoping to get some advice from you all.

As most of you are aware, I had an operation a few weeks ago, and I'm pain free ;-)) I am forever grateful for that! I had been in pain for over a year before this operation. I had a lovely conversation with Colette this morning on ICQ, and as I was talking, my own problems kinda became clearer to me.

I can't sleep, I get these awful butterflies in my stomach, they take my breath away, and I just toss and turn. Before the operation I would go three days at a time without sleep from the pain. I feel so lost without the pain. I know it probably sounds stupid, but I really feel so lost.

My life as I knew it has totally changed. My suffering became this way of life. I am scared of doing something that will bring the pain back, probably because Endo was present again, I'm not sure. My philosophy has always been to worry about things when they happen, and all of a sudden, I am pain free and scared. I don't want the pain back, I still have NO pain. It's like my brain doesn't understand the change.

The more I try to get my routine back, the more I start to panic that I can't do it. I'm not used to feeling this way, every other time I had a rest from the pain I would be off.

I do feel guilty talking about this, as all of you are dealing with what I've been through, and a lot of you wish that you were pain free too.

Is it possible to mourn the pain? Now I sound ridiculous. Has anyone else had this reaction?

Any suggestions would be most appreciated, I have made an appointment with my doctor for Wednesday morning to discuss why this is happening to me, hopefully he won't think I'm an utter idiot.

Your pain pal Trace xo

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