Re: I need to have a crying party.......anyone got an extra ear with a few to...

From: J-M & Deborah Leclerc (
Thu Mar 22 13:00:36 2001

Dearest Missy, My name is Deborah. I live in Calgary, Alberta, Canada. I have just come from your website. What a strong, amazing, and courageous woman you are. An inspiration to all of us. I feel like I have known you all of my life. I awoke this morning to the 'all too familiar sensations of nausea and 'tearing' pain in my abdomen. I feel extremely tired today. Both mentally and physically. My story is on the "Adhesion Quilt". First I read your entry "I need to have a crying party......" then I stumbled back to bed and cried for about 1 hour. I cried for you, your pain, and for your family. I cried for everyone that I have met through IAS. I cried for me, for my family. For the pain and suffering we have all endured. I went back to my computer and found your story on the 'quilt '. I then went on to your website. I am at a loss for words to describe how I feel after reading about your life. You have given me new strength and hope for my future. You have survived so much that life has sent your way and still I feel through your thoughts and words, your deep love for your family, and for your life, and your strong determination to go on. One night, last week, before going to bed I quietly crept into my daughter's ( Jessica age:14, Erin age: 12, and my eldest is my son Sean age: 16 ) room. I watched them both for a minute while they slept. My mind started to wonder as I watched them sleep. I thought about the fear of my illness that they have had to live with. I wondered what life had in store for my precious angels. I started to cry and pray to God that he shelter and protect them from all evil. I found myself begging him to let me have anything bad that was doomed to come their way for I had been through it all and survived. They looked so beautiful. So peaceful. I reached down to cover Erin up and noticed something in her hand. Carefully, I opened her fingers and took in a sharp breath as my eyes focused on the tiny glass photo frame she held so dearly in her hands. It was a picture taken two years ago of my husband and I. We looked liked two teenagers, wearing cut-off jeans, hiking boots and me with a red bandanna on my head. We were trying to balance ourselves, fighting for a piece of a rock in the middle of the"Bow River". We had been hiking for two days and had just dropped our packs. The photo captured our love for one another and for life. I realised then how long it had been since I truly felt happy. At the time the photo was taken I was going through health problems. I remember laying in a hospital bed a short time after that hike, I was crying hysterically. I wanted out. No more needles, IV's, and no more doctors or nurses looking at me with frustration in their eyes. I realised then how far I had come. How I had survived that surgery and six more since. So much had happened since that hike in the mountains, and I was still alive and still able to fight for a better life. Erin woke up just as I was getting up from the side of her bed. She looked down at her hand still holding our picture, and then looked up at me. Her eyes taking in the tears on my face. "Don't cry Mom," she said. "I hold your picture every night to keep you safe, everything is going to be O.K" I have thought about that night every day. Her words playing over and over in my head. I feel stronger, and with that strength comes optimism and hope for all of us who have suffered pain and loss, and for those of us who are still suffering. I truly do believe that we are all here for a purpose. To learn or to teach, or for most of us it is both. For some it takes a whole lifetime to find out what that purpose is. I want to "thank you" for sharing your life with all of us. Through you I feel a new strength growing inside of me. You have made me realise that I am not alone, and that I have a responsibility to myself, to my husband, my children, and to all of you to keep searching for answers and sharing our lives with those we love. Perhaps that is our 'purpose' in make a difference in this world and to set an example for those we cross paths with. With big "hugs" and in sincere friendship, Deborah Leclerc -----Original Message----- From: <> To: Multiple recipients of list ADHESIONS <> Date: March 22, 2001 5:18 AM Subject: Re: I need to have a crying party.......anyone got an extra ear with a few to...

>I wish it was a simple matter of getting him to understand the ARD. The
fact >is that I've been fighting health related issues since the birth of my
>youngest son 15 years ago and my husband is just tired of me being sick.
>He's angry at the amount of medical bills I have amounted (w/no insurance
no >medicaid) and we are on a fixed income (he is on disability). I've tried
to >get him to read osme of the things I"ve printed off but he is just too
>wrapped up in himself to see that I am hurting.
>Life is hard, I don't deny that. But I've fought the fight against cancer
>and I won, not once, not twice, but 4 times Lisa and my body and my mind
are >tired. But with ARD it is so different. I feel that my level of
>functionality is that of an amoeba, my amount of contribution to my home
and >family is that of a nat - - I do good to get out of bed and read the posts
>and get to the dr appointments alone. Fighting a disease is hard enough but
>when you have to fight for doctors to acknowledge ARD, acknowledge the pain
>and suffering that goes along with it, and then you have to fight for
relief, >no matter how short lived that relief may be. Why do I have to fight for
my >husband, my family, my friends, to understand that this isn't in my head, I
>am not lazy, I do want to be a contributing part of my family!!!!
>Sure I'd love to sleep all day long and never get out of bed. What good
does >that do? I am the one who misses out on my kids coming home with good news
>about something special that happened at school or news of the new
grandbaby >on the way. So I get up and I sit there like a bump on a log. But atleast
I >am there.
>I hate this disease it is so much harder to fight than cancer. As I said
to >Helen:
>To tell you the truth I am more scared of this than I was the cancer and
>that's bad. How do you fight something that doctors won't acknowledge much
>less treat? How do you fight for a life that is filled with pain and
partial >functionality? I feel like I am only functioning at the level of an
amoeba, >I am not a mother to my children and I am certainly not a wife to my
husband. > Most of my days and nights are spent in bed, and when I do manage to get
up >for a little while it is just to get on line and find encouraging emails
from >friends like you and the others from IAS. I am so scared Helen.
>Only time will tell.
>**HUGS** thanks for listening to me cry

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