To Kelley L. from Sally

From: Sally Grigg (lostcst@mcn.org)
Wed Nov 28 14:39:31 2001


Dear Kelley L. Hi, I'm Sally Look me up at http://www.howardcreekranch.com I raised my step-son who had brain cancer at the age of five. He recovered and turned into a spoiled brat for awhile, partly our fault, partly normal behavior, partly the behavior of the developmentally disabled as a way to get what they need.

Anyway on to your problem. It's a toughy and you need books and maybe counseling if you could find a free, good one. Your son is expressing a natural desire to have you be the perfect mother. I take it that the father is not in the picture. If this is so, it just makes it harder as you know. You, however, are still the adult and in control. It's extremely hard when you're in pain. But you can and must stay in control. He has to do his chores. And in return he'll thank you later, probably take twenty years, but it will be worth it. He also needs to understand that because of your situation, and pain, your inability to have a fantastic career that would make all kinds of money to pay for every brand name he wants is impossible. You have to work with the possible and he has to grow up a little faster than normally. In return, you'll be there for him and love him. You're a family and you'll stick together.

Is there any organization in your area like we have here? It's called the Big Brother/Big Sister Program. They try to match adults or young adults with children and teenagers who need a friend to talk to. You need to find him a mentor. Do you have a brother or other family member who could help you by taking him places and just being with him. His being in sports is good. Please don't try to take that away as a punishment.

I'm so sorry that you have all that pain and can't get easy pain relief. Our medical system is so inadequate. You shouldn't have to worry about being out of pain meds. I know what you mean. My doctor is giving less than I need to see if I can make it without them. Well, of course, I can endure hours of pain because I have to, but I shouldn't have to just because of some idiotic medical theory that is supposed to be good for us. What a crock.

Do you have other children? Do you have any support at all? I sure hope so. Adhesions are bad enough without belligerent children. He's probably scared too. He doesn't understand why you are in bed. So the easiest thing in his mind is to blame you. Well, you need to tell him that you love him, that it's not his fault, nor is it your fault that your body has problems. You are not going to die and leave him and he needs to know that you need him to act as mature as he can. Also, he needs to know that he can talk to you and say whatever is on his mind. It may hurt your feelings, but please don't let him get to you. Kids can be mean. Come to the board to vent instead of venting on him. He needs you, whether he know it or not.

Good luck and write back. I'll be gone from 12/2 to 12/14. With kindest regards, Sally Grigg


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