Getting Nervous

From: TediBrHugs@aol.com
Sun Apr 1 19:47:19 2001


Ok, so it's nuts, but I am getting nervous about the pain clinic appointment on Thursday. I KNOW I KNOW, I should be relieved, but I find myself thinking the same thoughts that I think when I go to another dr or another ER: What if they think I'm nuts? What if they won't help me? What if they don't give me pain meds? What if.....what if ......what if......it never ends!!!!

After the last ER visit when the doctor actually told me not to return for meds I am absolutely terrified!!!! I never thought I'd have to face a doctor who looked at me like some crack cocaine junkie off the street and hear him tell me that the pain isn't that bad and that if it was I should be attended to by a private phsyician not an emergency room.

Well the hospital I go to is a CHARITY HOSPITAL with CHARITY CLINICS and I"ve gone to just about every clinic, via referrals from the ER to OB/GYN oncology, OB/GYN, Surgical, Internal Medicine, etc etc......they have yet to do a darn thing and I am seriously worried that this 4 hour trip to Mississippi is going to turn out to be the same thing.

I am making the trip alone on borrowed money and grocery money for my family for the month and if it turns out to be a wild goose chase I am not sure what I am going to do. Driving off a bridge would be a very easy option as I have to cross several large and tall bridges.....If no one can help me and this dr is my last hope...what is next????

I know, I'm sorry, all I seem to do is ramble and ramble and not make one bit of sense. I am on borrowed pain meds (Tylenol 4, Norflex, & Skelaxin) and am no better than without it. I sleep, I hurt. I walk, I hurt. I stand, I hurt. I sit, I hurt. I talk, I hurt. I am soooooooo tired of all of this. Why oh why does it have to be so hard to get these stupid adhesions taken care of properly? If I had the money or the insurance I would go to Korell or R&R but I don't......I can't even get medicaid.....my rope has begun to burn and there i sn't much left........

I wonder how long I can go on like this? I wonder how we have all survived such a debilitating disease that not only robs us of our health, but our mind, our soul, our very being. What I wouldn't give for one day of being healthy, happy, strong and pain free so that I could be the person I was before I became this amoeba that is simply existing day by day.

I don't want to win the lottery or be rich or be famous.......... I just want to have a dr who is going to treat me for the adhesions with pain medications that work......I want a doctor who actually cares how I feel......I want a doctor who listens when I tell him it's stabbing pain and not correct me and say "no that is blah blah blah" I want someone who gives a damn about me as a person!

I'm sorry for blabbering on so......family doesn't seem to have time to listen to my aches and pains anymore and friends, well you are all my friends.

How I long for a normal life.

Signed, Crying in Chalmette, Missy


Enter keywords:
Returns per screen: Require all keywords: